Life Simplified - Winner of 2013 Telly Award

Let’s Talk

When you’re in a relationship, learn to talk to your partner. Just talking. The cliche word nowadays is communication but I don’t like that word; it’s been misused and overused to death. Most couples who talk about communication, think they’re engaged in something clinical and sophisticated, when it’s just about sharing thoughts, feelings, and ideas. At the end of the day, when they say communication they simply mean talking, so I keep it simple and I say talking.
Actually, the term communication carries with it more attributes than just verbal exchange. A portion of human communication takes place in different forms other than verbal, but that is not the topic I want to discuss here. Today, I want to talk about the simplest, most basic concept of communication, which is talking, and in my opinion, within the context of a relationship, the art of talking hasn’t been used to its fullest utility. You will be amazed by the amount of things you and your partner will discover about each other when you talk; things that you would never have fathomed that the other is in to or surprising beliefs they harbor. And in matters more intimate, I can’t even begin to tell you how much it enhances the sexual experience when you hear your partner verbalizing their intimate wishes and desires.
Nor can I tell you how much it will arouse the overall feelings that you two will have for one another when you begin to venture out into uncharted territories of conversation. I say it has not been used to its fullest not for its informational purpose but for its ability to bring happiness and excitement to a relationship like no other. But before you go about opening your mouths like babbling idiots, talking each others’ ears off to a point of suicidal boredom, while you’re both hoping that uttering nonsense would somehow result in some enhanced happiness and excitement, understand first that there are three steps to talking.
When talking to your partner, you are either talking to them and they listening, or they talking and you listening, or you both are simultaneously talking on top of each other where there’s little “listening” or for that matter, even less “talking” taking place. But when done in the right mood and the right intention, it’s a load of fun and a great way for you and your partner to share special, giddy moments while basking in an idiotic stupor. Remember, you’re in a relationship to be happy and laughter equals happiness.

So what I want you to learn from the art of talking is:

(1) Learn how to sound knowledgeable, engaging and worth your partner’s time and attention. Talk intelligently not just to transfer information but to share good insight in the manner in which your partner will appreciate receiving it.

(2) Learn to listen, active listening that is. even if the topic of conversation your partner is trying to share is not something that excites you, learn to listen simply to reciprocate your interest not in the issue but in your partner’s passion in the issue. Let them know that their passion is something that interests you and something that in the future, you want to contribute to in terms of their pursuit of it.

(3) Learn to go with the moment. Sometimes conversations take an unexpected turn where a seemingly serious tone of one issue takes a silly turn and becomes a farcical moment where empty banters and one-liners take over the conversation. Moods change; circumstances change throughout any given conversation, so learn to adapt to the changing mood and go with the flow.

You never know; the shared laughter and crazy happiness can sometimes be more pertinent to your relationship than the actual intellectual exchange. The whole point in a relationship is to make significant and impactful connections with one another. These connections can be emotional, intellectual, or spiritual, so there is no way of knowing what type of connections, i.e., compatibility, you and your partner will experience. But understand that at times, the mood dictates and if so, you should let it and go with the flow.
The opposite is also true where a funny story suddenly becomes a moment of frank, emotional or intellectual exchange. Don’t resist to bring it back to its initial tone and tenure. But whether you go from funny to serious or from the Intellectual to the Farcical, either way, learn to go with the mood and share a special moment with your partner.

But it all starts with talking!

About the author

Dr. Tseday is a clinical psychologist and one of the country's leading experts in marriage, relationships, and self development. She advocates a unique and at times controversial approach to the dynamics of marriage and personal development, the necessary element for a successful relationship. Read more »

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