Life Simplified - Winner of 2013 Telly Award

Dr. Tseday Abbera Dr. Tseday Abbera Dr. Tseday Abbera

Dr. Tseday Aberra is a clinical psychologist and one of the country's leading experts in marriage, relationships, and self development. She advocates a unique and at times controversial approach to the dynamics of marriage and personal development, the necessary element for a successful relationship.

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Dr. Tseday Aberra
Clinical Psychologist

Expert in Marriage, Relationships, & Self-Development

Dr. Tseday is one of Southern California’s leading experts on marriage and long-tern relationships. She is a clinical psychologist with 20 years of experience, a decade of which she dedicated to rebuilding and strengthening the family.

The message she spreads is that families are as strong as the relationships on which they are formed. And when marriages are not formed properly, those involved suffer, not to mention its larger impact on society.

Dr. Tseday recognizes this and she has spent most of her expertise developing a methodology tailored to solve marital conflicts and problems. Her practice is spent teaching those who want to be in a relationship how to form a proper long-term relationship and succeed.

Dr. Tseday’s approach to relationship counseling is based on simplicity. The methodology she developed is accordingly called the Life Simplified Concepts (LSC for short).

Her work, duly explained in her latest, highly acclaimed book titled It’s About the “I,” conveys a step-by-step approach to achieving relationship success. In her methodology, she incorporates varied concepts she extracted from the fields of psychology, finance and the law. She offers her services in private individual sessions, couples’ therapy, seminars and workshops.

Dr. Tseday is truly and wholeheartedly committed to building the fabric of our society, one at a time, through marriages and long-term relationships.

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Women who Lead

Not too long ago, the aspiration of all women to break the invisible glass ceiling and take their duly deserved positions of power, authority and influence, was just that: an aspiration. It is no longer the case. Not to say that full equality has been achieved in American boardrooms, but significant strides have been made in the advancement of women in leadership positions. I am here to report that the progress is on track and ongoing. But irrespective of the positive changes, there is still one place in society where the leadership of women cannot be left wanting. That is the heroic position they occupy as head of the household.

Being the head of the household remains the most important position of power women occupy. It is a dominion where their leadership is unquestioned but goes unrewarded. Sitting on this throne, failure is not an option and performance must be at the optimum. No amount of success a woman achieves in business or in her particular profession will be given its due, if she fails as a wife and a mother. If she does, the criticism is real and, dare I say, warranted. Women may not like this statement, but it is the price of being a queen.

That said, I want to take this opportunity to praise all wives and mothers for being Captains of the Home-Management Industry in a manner that is selfless and altruistic. It does not matter whether you’re a fulltime stay-home mom or a CEO of your empire splitting your time between the home and the office, your job as the woman-of-the-household is multifaceted, unrelenting and its contributive value is immeasurable.

The job we do as wives and mothers is unique. Our wonderful husbands can lend a hand, and in some circumstances, they can even take full responsibility in the care-taking of children and house chores, but that does not supplant our contribution. No one can soothe, comfort and protect a child like a mother, and surely, no one can meet the needs of a husband better than his wife. An awesome responsibility lays on our shoulders and we must accept the burden enthusiastically, and perform the task without reprieve or contempt.

The world is run by women, not because of the bricks they lay or the appendectomies they perform, but because of the way they manage the household. It is a responsibility reserved only to queens who know what it means to be one. Leadership puts us on top—our rightful position, but the duty of a queen is far from the childhood fairytales. It is because of us that the world moves on and moves ahead. And for doing what our job impeccably, we may get a glance of appreciation from the hubby, or a muffled “thank-you” from a child rushing through the kitchen. That is fine and dandy, but the most satisfying praise, however, comes from one of our fellow queens, whose eye we catch in the midst of a chaotic world, and exchange a nod, as if to say, “Hail to you Sister Queen!”

This essay is my nod to all the queens—You, Women Leaders!

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Home Happy Home

HOME is a sanctuary. It is a place where we all unburden ourselves from the pressure and conformity of the outside world. It is the only safe place where we kick our feet up and let our vulnerabilities rest without qualm or apprehension. But I say HOME is more than that, and according to the Life Simplified Concepts (LSC), the methodology I developed, HOME, in addition to being a place of respite, is also a place of business where Happiness is produced. Like any enterprise whose purpose is to produce something of value, HOME is entrusted of producing the one commodity that is most valuable; Happiness.

In order to produce such a valuable commodity successfully and on a continuous basis, HOME needs to have the proper structure and platform conducive to achieving that end. Like all places of businesses, it needs a mode of operation, or lack of a better term, a code of conduct conducive to creating Happiness. HOME is where you and your partner mutually invest in each other’s Happiness, so when you return HOME, either from work or an outing, think of it as an opportunity to create Happiness for your partner. Under the LSC, marriage or a long-term relationship is defined as an agreement where two adults—as spouse and/or partner—come together to have their needs met to the partner’s full expectations, and HOME is the ideal setting where such an agreement is consummated.

As I hinted earlier, HOME is a place of business and you should treat it as such. Think of it as your “other” job. At work, you recognize a code of conduct and you follow it without doubt or resistance because you understand its purpose. When you go to work, you check your attitude at the door, follow the rules, and behave as such that it encourages productivity. You’re more than willing to adhere to a code of conduct bent of civility and success at work and yet, you fail to apply the same reasoning and motivation at HOME? That’s a shame.

Your HOME will always be a place where you can relax and be free but not at the expense of your spouse. Nor is it a place where you can behave loosely with unabated freedom that it does not invite Happiness. If you want to relax on your own after work before you “punch the clock” at your second job, do so before you enter your HOME. Do not bring your work frustration or your sulky attitude with you and make it your partner’s burden to carry. When you come HOME, I urge that you do so with one singular goal; to make your partner happy and give the opportunity to your partner to do the same for you. To achieve that, you must check your attitude at the door.

The code of conduct that cannot be ignored is Attitude. You cannot enter your HOME with an attitude that rejects Happiness. The same rule applies if you’re already HOME and your spouse is entering the house. If you didn’t have any problem accepting a code of conduct at work, and if you’re convinced by my analogy that your HOME is also a place of business where you and your spouse come together to maximizing each other’s happiness, then you better make sure that the attitude you bring HOME is always conducive to producing Happiness.

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Life Simplified Concepts: Well-Designed Value System

There needs to be a philosophy or a moral compass to every person’s life to get them through rough times or simply give their life and existence a purpose. Even though value systems are not often talked about in a relationship, unless both people are expressly religious, couples who share the same values have a very good chance in coexisting for a long time. And if the values each person holds dear to their heart is different than the ones their partner believes in, each has to be able to present their case to their partner in a way that is intellectually sound and reputable. They must convince their partner that their value system is worth supporting, and if they otherwise fail to do so, then the partner will find it hard to respect the person because they would not respect their value system. This is skill that is often ignored but comes up in relationships very often.

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Life Simplified Concepts: Financial Compatibility

Financial Compatibility is a bit different than the other four in that it is all about eliminating vulnerability and the possibility of being leveraged. Ever since human beings settled in a monogamous relationship, sex and money have played a part in settling scores, which is why any relationship guide or counselor should put extra emphasis on these two matters. Money has always been used as the tool to controlling the household and the marriage, and there is nothing more detrimental for a couple than manipulating each other financially, just because the economic realities were aligned on one side more than the other. But that is not the case anymore.

Everybody, irrespective of gender, societal, or familial standing, can earn a living and declare themselves financial independent. This independence is a big part of being self-sufficient. Self-Sufficiency is to eliminate all points of weaknesses where, intentionally or not, one side of the relationship has the opportunity to manipulate and control the other. This chapter teaches the readers that in order to eliminate financial vulnerability and give others the opportunity to leverage that against them, people must establish a long-term relationship where they can afford the bare necessities individually, without the financial assistance of their partner. It means to have the earning capability that can support the necessity of a family (not anything extra or luxurious), so that both people in a relationship are convinced that they can manage the household by themselves and not be put in vulnerable position by their partner.

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Life Simplified Concepts: Physical Compatibility

Physical compatibility is primarily about sex but it also about intimacy. The sexual act itself may be generic, but each person has their own idiosyncrasies or even deviancies (meant in a non-desecrating way) that they want met or satisfied. It is between two consenting adults so the parameters are set by each couple alone. Since the Life Simplified Concepts (LSC), is designed for longevity, the underlying message of this chapter is threefold: choose a person who can handle your crazy stuff; make sure you can handle their crazy stuff, and lastly, your standard should not be looking for perfection but what type and level of sexual package you are able to settle with as your steady diet, and whether your partner is capable of delivering that for you as requested. The arrangement also goes for you delivering for your partner.

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Life Simplified Concepts: Minimum Intellectual Threshold

Some people are born smart, some choose to become smarter later in life, and some achieve it because of necessity. No matter which one you see yourself as, be sure to invest in yourself intellectually. The pertinent question is not whether you should invest in yourself but how much should you invest, and the answer is relative to you and to your circumstance. Before you even understand the details of what this concept is, you should understand one important aspect of this skill. Your minimum intellectual threshold is not my minimum threshold. I don’t care how smart and intelligent you are, and you should not care about my—or any other person’s—intelligence either. The goal is for you to push yourself intellectually as much as your potential takes you, but once you reach your threshold, you need to settle with whatever level you have reached and be comfortable with the result.

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Emotional Stability

You have heard of emotional baggage; I have heard of emotional baggage, and every Jane and John Doe on the street know what emotional baggage is. There is no secret there. We all cringe and make a face when we hear the term, especially when it is directed at us. Don’t worry; you have baggage and so do I, and there is absolutely no problem with having baggage. Having personal or emotional baggage is not a problem, so long as you don’t bring it with you into your relationship and make it your partner’s problem. Your emotional baggage—emotional issues—that you amassed when you were single—is your mess and not your partner’s. These problems are totally your responsibility and yours to deal with, and they will remain yours for the duration of the relationship. Whether you have Mommy Issues, or Daddy Issues, or Old-Flame Issues, or whatever issues you have that you have yet to resolve, keep them to yourself—out of and away from the relationship.

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Self-Sufficiency: The Ultimate Equalizer In A Relationship

One critical thing to remember about the overall concept of Life Simplified is that it is built on the notion of empowering the self. Empowering people so that there is no vulnerability or weakness in the way they live their lives, and of course in the way they negotiate a relationship that is conducive to bringing them long-term happiness. People do each other wrong when they sense there is leverage of which they can take advantage. It is human nature to look for advantageous circumstances to benefit ourselves. It is not done out of malice but opportunism. Without leverage however, people cannot take advantage of each other; and as it refers to relationships, without leverage or vulnerability, there is no using or abusing one’s partner.

Life Simplified is constructed with the plan of leveling the playing field in any relationship by minimizing, if not eliminating, every single leverage one person can have over their partner, thereby empowering all people when they decide to be in a long-term relationship. Even if the primary, basic premise of the LSC is to bring about happiness, it is really the elimination of all obstacles to happiness that I was focused on when developing this concept. My main inquiry when developing the idea of LSC is, “why do relationships break and why do people hurt the ones they love?”

In truth, I don’t promise happiness, nor do I have the ability to do so even if I wanted to. But I can tell you what people do to mess up their relationships thereby denying themselves the chance for happiness. Beginning with that premise, I try to teach people what to do and what not to do to miss out on their chance of long-term happiness, and the first and most important thing I teach them, above all else, is Self-Sufficiency.

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Self-Sufficiency Defined

According to the Life Simplified Concepts (LSC), Self-Sufficiency is more than independence, especially financial independence. The concept is about achieving independence from all possible influence and reliance on other people where such dependence might create vulnerability in the person. Once there is vulnerability in a person, it is possible that others, intentionally or by accident, will try to leverage the weakness and use it to their advantage.

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