Life Simplified - Winner of 2013 Telly Award

An Affair To Forget

She came to my office very angry and hurt. She wanted to find out what to do about the ultimate betrayal her husband committed: An affair. She was certain of this because she checked his email and cell phone records, and found out that he has been talking to a woman many times a day for hours at a time.

Adultery and infidelity are both adversely and consequently linked to personal growth. Personal growth is based on understanding oneself. And understanding oneself means maturity. A mature woman understands herself and knows what she wants. She knows when not to falter. A mature woman knows what she wants from a man and knows what she is able to give him. A mature woman does not fall in love with a man and decide to be with him without understanding and agreeing to what their relationship is going to be. She does not make a decision until she knows she is able to fulfill what is required of her. A mature woman in a relationship has no doubt or insecurity lingering in the background. The agreement is clear. She is fully aware of her duty, and like contract law, she understands that if one fails to fulfill the obligation, there is a breach. There will be no surprise, astonishment, betrayal, or anger in the relationship.

I am speaking to you, Woman. If your man is having an affair, you have either failed in choosing the right man, or you have failed in being the right wife. If it is the former, then you have not achieved personal growth. You need to grow up and learn how to pick a man that is compatible. If the answer is the latter, then you have failed to understand what you agreed to when he married you. You have failed to understand his needs or you chose not to fulfill them. Either way, the problem is with you. Just ask yourself this question. Why would a woman; a wife precisely, would snoop around her husband’s email and cell phone records, if she truly believes that she has done all that is asked of her as a wife and there is nothing more she can do? Why would she snoop around if she had no doubt whether she did honestly fulfill her marital duties as per their initial agreement, and consequently help ignite the natural demon in her husband that he felt compelled to fulfill his needs elsewhere?

I am speaking to you, Woman. If your man is having an affair, he either did not bargain well for what he really wanted in a relationship, or he just did not marry the right woman. If he is still a young foolish boy who is still preoccupied in playing the field, then he is just a boy and not yet a man. I say shame on you for choosing a boy for a husband. If he is interested in another woman because she takes are of his needs, then shame on you for not doing what the other woman is doing for him.

About the author

Dr. Tseday is a clinical psychologist and one of the country's leading experts in marriage, relationships, and self development. She advocates a unique and at times controversial approach to the dynamics of marriage and personal development, the necessary element for a successful relationship. Read more »

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