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Message to Women: Marry After You Become Self-Sufficient

Like the foundation of a building, self-sufficiency is the heart and soul of a marriage yet surprisingly few couples recognize its importance. Just as a building’s foundation is the key to preserving the integrity of the structure, so is self-sufficiency to the integrity of a marriage.

What does it mean to first become self-sufficient? It means during the course of your adult life, you have satisfied all the necessities to live a regular life, excluding personal needs that are only satisfied by a companion. All the primary elements of one’s life, such as a career, a college education, community involvement, interests, hobbies and a social life, do not require the presence or participation of a companion.

As a self-sufficient person, you should have lived on your own for an extended period of time, and have come to know what it takes to be independent. The pleasures of being free from rules imposed on you as you were growing up means that you have taken on the responsibilities of providing for yourself and now those responsibilities have to be met without the help of others in your life. This is the first step toward independence and achieving self-sufficiency. Then come the responsibilities of financial independence. The goal is not to be wealthy but to be independent. You cannot begin to look for a mate until you have met these responsibilities on your own.

The number one mistake in failed marriages is that couples marry before they know how to take care of themselves, or without having become self-sufficient. If you do not fix the deficiencies that come out of the failure of being self-sufficient when you are single, you cannot fix them when you get married. And hiding the deficiencies will only make matters worse, and more often than not it will end up breaking-up the marriage – which was faulty to begin with.

Understanding self-sufficiency is crucial in preparing yourself for what to expect once you get married. Once you have managed to become self-sufficient, look for a mate that can be a companion. But remember, your companion is not there to do your mundane chores. You can do those yourself if you have to, remember? Your companion is there to attend to the personal needs you cannot attend to on your own. A companion is to compliment and enhance your life; a person with whom you share your ideas and hopes, happiness and sadness, accomplishments and disappointments. Your companion is your sexual partner, and most of all, your friend. But to have such a companion, you must be self-sufficient first.

Self-sufficiency is the foundation to preserving the integrity of a marriage, one that will prepare you to be, and to find, a wonderful companion.

About the author

Dr. Tseday is a clinical psychologist and one of the country's leading experts in marriage, relationships, and self development. She advocates a unique and at times controversial approach to the dynamics of marriage and personal development, the necessary element for a successful relationship. Read more »

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