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Sex: It's Non-Negotiable

Nature has decided that men are more susceptible to sex than women. Women are blessed with taming their sexual appetites far more efficiently than men. So when you ask women why they marry, they tell you it is for the affection and companionship. Men tell you the same, but it is primarily for the availability of sex that they marry. Affection and companionship in a marriage includes sex for men. But that’s not always so for women.

Marriage is an agreement that is based on an understanding between a husband and wife. It requires both to participate and to contribute willingly and completely. Marriage is created to give them meaning that otherwise would not exist. This meaning is completely subjective, since its foundation is based on the unique agreement created by the two.

The 21st century has leveled the playing field so that the only thing a husband and a wife require from each other is companionship. The one element that will not be equalized, however, is a husband’s need to go to his wife for sex. Therefore, a husband comes into a marriage, having lost all his bargaining power, with a promise of sexual companionship.

To create a happy marriage, a husband and wife are required to provide certain “instruments.” Most crucial is their commitment to bring the necessary instruments that would give life to the marriage and maintain its viability. Among all of them, the most important is sex.

The instruments a husband has to bring are not as important as what a wife brings; specifically, sex. There are other instruments she has to bring, but none are as crucial as sex. A wife has to bring the sex. She has to make it available and be willing to use it. Sex is sacred and essential. If a wife toys with or holds onto sex, she will lose the marriage. If she rations it, she will lose the marriage. Guaranteed.

When a wife does not make sex available, a husband feels his wife is conniving, selfish, mean and untrustworthy. He realizes she holds all the cards of intimacy and that she can always put him back in his place. As a husband, he sadly realizes that he cannot rely on her. His trust is broken.

Very often a wife forgets that her vindictive behavior leaves a scar on her husband that she cannot remedy at a later time. Even after a whole lot of “forgiving,” there will be very little “forgetting” by a husband. He will not forget that one of the most crucial instruments that is required to create and maintain a fulfilling marriage is actually negotiable, and that it depends on the whimsy of his wife.

The message to wives is clear: Next time you decide to hold back sex because you have a point to make, know what is really at stake.

About the author

Dr. Tseday is a clinical psychologist and one of the country's leading experts in marriage, relationships, and self development. She advocates a unique and at times controversial approach to the dynamics of marriage and personal development, the necessary element for a successful relationship. Read more »

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