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Ask Dr. Tseday: May 1, 2010

AI from Maribor, Slovenia asks: I met a man who was divorced 7 years ago. He told me the reason he and his wife ended their marriage was because of his frequent business trips kept him away from home. We immediately got along very well. He seemed like a dream man to me, someone I’ve been waiting for all my whole life. But few days ago, a woman contacted me and told me that she has been in a relationship with him. When I confronted him, he admitted this relationship and two other ones. He said he the reason for the new and many relationships was because he is incapable of love, and that he was hoping to find out what is love through these relationships. I can’t understand that and I can’t accept his explanation. What should I do? Can I help him? Does he need treatment?

Dr. Tseday responds: People who are incapable of being in a relationship for whatever the reason come up with all sorts of reasons why they are not in a relationship. Many times, the reasons are far from the truth. But your focus ought  not to be on the reasons. You simply have to understand rather quickly that he is not for you. You are making a mistake many women make. That is, getting preoccupied with the reasons men give for not being in a relationship. These women believe and feel it is their responsibility to understand the deficiency of men and fix it for them (or to somehow be a part of the solution). This is a big mistake. In your particular case, it does not matter what reasons he gives you. It is not yours to understand, not yours to accept (or not accept), and most certainly not yours to fix. Your wondering is of no benefit to you. In fact, it keeps you in this relationship for all the wrong reasons. Don’t be in the business of fixing others. You simply have to know that this man ought not to be in a relationship with  you. So what should you do, you ask? Get rid of him. Grow up and look for a man who does not need “fixing”, one who is ready to go.

About the author

Dr. Tseday is a clinical psychologist and one of the country's leading experts in marriage, relationships, and self development. She advocates a unique and at times controversial approach to the dynamics of marriage and personal development, the necessary element for a successful relationship. Read more »

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