Life Simplified - Winner of 2013 Telly Award

Shattered Pieces

I am still amazed by the amount of women who walk into my office and ask me to fix the unfixable. As quickly as I discard their trying audacity demanding that I clean up their mess, I cannot help but to be taken aback by the ignorance and naivety these women exhibit as to the extent and gravity of their mess whenever I ask them to explain to me the nature of their dilemma. They walk in with a fire as big as to burn the whole barn down, but from the way they divulge their problem, it is merely a match light easily extinguishable with a candle blow.

The sad thing is that they are not as ignorant and naïve as they make themselves out to be. They know exactly how bad their relationship is since they have been sitting on it for quite some time, driving it to the gutters. They at least have some idea as to what is repairable and what needs to end up in a trash can. All that is required from them is a small amount of courage and common sense to realize that the more shattered the pieces of a china, the harder it becomes to glue it back together.

These women know in advance how bad have things have gotten. They walk into my office with a hand full of shattered pieces of their relationship. So shattered in fact that one cannot even make out the original structure of the relationship. Yet they still ask me to glue the pieces back for them. Seriously? They demand that I help them fix their chaotic relationship without any acknowledgement that they have driven it beyond the point of repair.

Broken relationships built on the backs of broken people who do not understand what it takes to make a relationship work, are never repairable because the crux of the problem is not the relationship per se but the two broken individuals who are not either mature, selfless, independent, or just plain ready to have be in relationships.

If these women are blind to admit that their personal lack of growth and maturity are indeed the reasons their relationships failed, then I cannot give them the illusory gift of sight by pretending that the mess of a relationship they walked in with is potentially fixable.

I refuse to give these immature women false hope and I hope they find the honesty in strengthening themselves using their family members and their kin, their churches, their friends, or wherever they go to find support, and stop trying to fix a haughty relationship with foundation. It is high time they realized that it is only with good ingredients one able to achieve culinary success. If their personal growth and their individual maturity are the ingredient and the relationship they muster the final dish, then all I have to say is: “work on yourself and the results will follow.”

About the author

Dr. Tseday is a clinical psychologist and one of the country's leading experts in marriage, relationships, and self development. She advocates a unique and at times controversial approach to the dynamics of marriage and personal development, the necessary element for a successful relationship. Read more »

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