Ask Dr. Tseday: February 26, 2010

K from Kingston, Jamaica asks: I am currently living with my one of my children’s dad and several things are happening: 1. There is no assistance from him with household chores (he does it when he wants). 2. He doesn’t support me financially at all. 3. He is always on the phone. 4. He sleeps till 2 pm on weekends. 5. He wants to have sex whenever he wants, but I get nothing in return. In my head I tell myself I need to leave him. How do I approach his failure to be a good partner and provider? If I try to talk to him, he tells me it is my fault and that I am the one who has the problem.

Dr. Tseday responds: Your partner does whatever he wants to do because he can. The reason he can do whatever he wants is because you let him. There’s no consequence for him for doing the same thing over and over again. So why should he change? But more importantly, his ability to do whatever he wants tells me a lot about you. This says that you think little of yourself. That someone can easily walk all over you, tells me you have no love, dignity and respect for yourself. You are letting yourself get mistreated and this is the choice you have made. On top of all this, you are setting a very bad example for your children. So, if you want something different to happen, start to do things differently. This does not mean “talking” about it. It means DOING something that is different.