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It Takes Maturity to Fix A Relationship

Many couples come to me in hopes of solving their relationship difficulties. Although the problems they bring seem to vary from couple to couple, at least on the surface, they are much of the same at the core. Once the emotions calm and the drama subside, I find what is causing their difficulties and their struggle to solve them has to do with their individual qualities, namely their maturity (aptitude) and their attitude, more than anything else.

In last month’s article entitled, “What It Takes To Fix A Relationship,” I talked briefly about maturity and attitude as the necessary ingredients couples must have in order to build healthy and successful relationships, and should the time comes, to be able to work towards salvaging them. In this article, I will elaborate a bit more on maturity and in the next article on attitude.

Maturity is what we have to have before we can fully and seriously participate in relationships. It is understanding who we are as individuals, knowing what we want (or do not want), knowing our strengths and weaknesses, and knowing what we are able to offer to another.

Maturity is our ability to take care of ourselves without relying on others. It is satisfying all the necessities to live a regular life, excluding personal needs that are only satisfied by others. Maturity means being able to feed and clothes ourselves, and put a roof over our heads. It means finding happiness and satisfaction within ourselves. Maturity means having a job, a profession, a vocation to sustain ourselves. It means living within our means. Maturity is developing interests, passions, hobbies, and opinions. It is  aspiring to become better. Maturity means having our own friends. All these eventually lead to gaining independence. Independence means being self-sufficient.

Couples should come together after having gained maturity through self-sufficiency. Otherwise, their relationship would be one marked with codependency where they are not on equal footing when they agreed to build it in the first place. Without equality among them, their relationship is bound to fail whenever the one with more power chooses to exercise it for the detriment of the other.

In the end, the equality that is gained through self-sufficiency is not about their respective attributes, but in each other’s acknowledgement that both are independent individually, and that either party has the necessary qualities to  provide for itself. It is therefore absolutely crucial that both parties be mature before they decide to become a couple.

About the author

Dr. Tseday is a clinical psychologist and one of the country's leading experts in marriage, relationships, and self development. She advocates a unique and at times controversial approach to the dynamics of marriage and personal development, the necessary element for a successful relationship. Read more »

One Comment

  1. habtamu
    Posted 01/30/14 at 7:23 AM | Permalink

    Nice and Real. Thank you, Dr. Tseday.

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